roots

“To be rooted is perhaps the most important and least recognized need of the human soul.”
― Simone Weil

roots can be used as a metaphor for so many different things. but i love it anyways

elevator girl

Fair warning though...if we ever get in an elevator alone, all bets are off.

Stephen King
Buddhism
Environment
33

Ah, release

I saw this one once before and I effing LOVE it!!! It couldn't be more true. I hate all those yuppie effers who look down their nose at you and then go home to do some blow and cheat on their spouses. You're not better because you hide it mf'er! Deep breath, ok, rant over, thank you, good day sir.

mediocre

My life is nothing but medicority. everything about it is mediocre. I can't remember ever really excelling at anything, except of course my OCD. I use the term OCD lightly as most do, beause it is not a diagnoses just the term I use to express that crazy obsessive beshavior I have. It's not about having to do things a cretain number of times or a certain way everytime. It's more about me obsessivly worrying about things I cannot control. It's also my conscience. I obessivly regret certain things I've done in my life that again, i have no control over anymore. I can. not. let go. It's amazing the things I remember, especially considering how much I forget.
But that's not what this is about. Everybody is good at something. Everyone does at least once thing really well, they excel at it. Me, nothing. I'm good at this and that and maybe even able to accomplish things most females wouldn't go near. I'm a Jill of all trades in a sense...but having nothing to do with actual trades. To put in a glass half full type of way, you could say, i'm well rounded... which is also evident by my protruding belly that I have gained and not lost since Piper was born.
I'm looking forward to some big changes over the next few months. We are moving to our own place, FINALLY! We're loking at a place along the river where we can get regular exercise. I, I mean Phil and I can decorate how we please, discipline wothout being judged, and set rules and boundaries for our child that cannot be broken by climbing a half dozen steps to the grandparents. Once I get my Pharmacy certification next month I can hopefully get in at a hospital. Although, that is looking like the hospital might take a while. Maybe I'll get lucky and my connection will at least get me into retail Pharmacy.
SO that's it. I hadn't written in a while and needed to get some things out.

people, places and dreams

Funny enough, when I force myself to blog, i can't come up with much to say. Things have been fairly smooth lately. I still despise living with my in-laws. But it think it's more that i despise living in someone elses home and having to do things their way. I want my house, my rules, my family. I know that encapsulates a whole different set of issues while alleviating others at the same time. But in our own place, its a partnership, working together to be a family. Albeit, with a roommate but i think it will be more bearable than it was here. And beautifully enough, I found a sweet place on the cheap that we could easily afford with a roommate. It's too bad we don't have any cash saved for move in yet. Hopefully things will fall into place and we may know of someone to help us raise the cash till we get our tax return in February. It's right where we wanna be and upon completion of my Pharmacy training, right where we both work as well. It nearly everything we wanted, well almost. It's not a single home but the setup is perfect for a roommate. Keeping my fingers crossed. Even if this deal doesn't work out, there's still hope for the spring.
I've been missing my loved ones that have passed lately. Especially my Dad and Mikey. Mike was the only true friend I had in Virginia. He cared about me, he looked out for me. All in all he was a great guy. If I hadn't been with Phil, I've been with him. He really was a good friend to me. He was an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on and I did both. I am so grateful for our brief conversation the night he died, Super Bowl Sunday 2009. Sometime late that night or very early the following morning he had a massive heart attack and died. Luckily he was at his Mom's with her and his brother. He was only 36 years old. Deaths like that are the reason I don't believe in God. There was no sensible or spiritual reason for him to die, I know that for sure, 100%. Mike wasn't a very healthy guy. He lived life in full force, had a bad diet, smoked more than a pack of cigarettes a day, and had a stomach like a rock. You know, not that rock hard abs stomach but that I haven't cared for my physical well being and love bad food so I've got chicken legs and a 42 inch (probably more) gut.
Virginia was an interesting experience for me but not very enjoyable. We struggled the whole time we were down there and it made me realize just how spoiled I was to grow up in a middle class New Englandish type of life. I did not like the ghetto-like environment down there. It was upper class living amongst impoverished, drug dealing, ignorant assholes. And alot of us were stuck somewhere in the middle.
All my life, I fantasized about moving here or there, and how much I was so sure I would love it anywhere I went, as long as it wasn't here. In high school, it was picking a college that would get me out of town. Had my circumstances been different when I did go away to school, I'd probably still be living in the country just outside of Erie, PA. Silly me thought I had found my husband just before graduating, got engaged but went away to school anyway. 3 short months later, I missed my fiance, disregarded every piece of advice I had gotten, quit school and moved back home.
We often wonder where we'd be if we had made different decisions "back then". But I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be right here, right now and I don't know that I'm to keen on that. Phil and I have dreams and aspirations. We also have plans to make those a reality. They are certainly feasible and are taking steps to make them happen.
It could be worse, but I see that light at the end of this tunnel. The light that leads to another split in the tracks, and so far, we know which way we're going. I'm optimistic, cautiously so, but optimistic nonetheless.
Funny, i found something to talk about. I always do.

my blog. my best friend?

i've felt very, very alone lately. well, i guess i would say i'm lonely more often than not.
I have Phil, and i love Phil. But for me, just a significant other is not enough. especially because he is male. i need girl friends. not many, just a few. i need good girl friends. girls that know me, and what i've been through. girls that know how i think and what i feel. i can't name 1 single person that knows me that well. there have been a few girls in my life over my last 30 years that have known me that well. unfortunately, those few people have always had their own interests in mind. they were ultimately, selfish people that took advantage of the type of person i am. i've really only had 2 girl friends who i felt really cared and treasured our friendship as much as i have. but over time, those friends have become distant. by distance, and relation. And, just as i was reestablishing one of those friendships, distance is tearing us back apart.
i have this horrible feeling that nobody knows me. there isn't a single female i am close with, that i can talk to about anything. no one that knows me very well at all. through facebook, i have been able to reconnect with a few people. Some of them i'd like to establish a closer friendship with. but i wonder sometimes, no one has really reached out to me. i knows there's plenty of people that would offer an ear or a shoulder. but they can only relate if they've been through similar. i could find a complete stranger that's been through the same shit as me. don't get me wrong, i am totally grateful for the girls that i do keep in touch with. i am glad they listen. i am glad we hang out. i am glad to have playdates with other moms to be able to relate to them as moms. and i know, not having good friends is me as well. i don't keep calling them. i don't make plans.
i sound like such a loser but i want girl friends damnit! i need someone to share things with, to have a girls night with. i don't want to grasp for straws of similarity. i need a friend who needs me as much as i need them.
i wasted so much of my time between 13 and 23 on stupid men who mean nothing to me now. men i haven't seen or spoken to. men i don't want to see or speak to. i'm totally a guys girl but a male could never ever relate to me like a female could.
shit, maybe i just need a fucking shrink!

is "this" really "it"?

I've noticed there are alot of types of marraiges that exist that work and the ones that don't work are all fairly similar. usually people just can't get along. not all successful couples are the "totally in love" type. to me, most successful relationships work because the people are willing to put the work into it.
sometimes i wonder, is there really a love match for everyone? or maybe, there was and one of those people made a decision that altered their course to love. i think about the things i've been through and how that differs from my original plan. it's pretty much completely different.
i don't know where mine is headed. but it's definitely not working where it is now. as it is, we get an hour a day together. so finally, when we get some time together it always seems to turn into a arguement. usually about stupid shit. we even argue about how we argue. alot of it is defensive. some of it is blaming and 99% of the time, nothing ever gets resolved. that's the worst part. we say, you always do this, or you always do that. yet we both argue the same way.
it seems like anger are our only emotions towards eachother. sometimes it's the little things, other times it's much more important. either way, no resolution. to play the blame game for a second, the arguments usually happen when he's in a bad mood. he always takes it out on me. and when i tell him he is wrong for doing that, i get "well, you know i'm in a bad mood so why are you trying to talk to me about stuff". but there's hardly ever a good time.
we rarely say i love you to eachother but he's not that type of guy. however, somehow i'm supposed to know that he loves me and that everything is ok. but i'm the type that needs to hear it.
i know, we both need counseling. individually and as a couple. i'm not sure he'll admit he needs it too. we just need better communication skills.