i'm a Pisces but I am realizing recently, how your environment ultimately makes you who you are. this is me: Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter.
I am sympathetic, almost to the point that i am an empath as well. often, i find my mood altered by the moods of those around me.
as a Pisces I am incredibly trusting, which manifest as being gullible. But i . I think that also has to do with how i was raised. I wasn't taught to watch out for the bad guys, for the people who prey on people like me, to take advantage of me. I can name a few people I though were very good friends only to have to push them out of my life for taking advantage of me.
I am also supposed to be incredibly talented in the arts. well, i like to think i have rhythm, and i love music but it doesn't go much further than that. i can play the piano but never really applied myself enough to be able to learn a piece of music on my own. as for writing, i swore i was a poet in high school. i still have my book of poems. every couple years, i go back and read them as swear i'm just gonna throw it out, save a poem or two, the rest are shit. i was a stupid, boy crazy teenage girl who convinced herself she was depressed. i realize now, i may have been a little blue here and there but not depressed.
and i think about how i was raised. my mother struggled with her weight nearly her whole life, as do i. and as weight struggles go, so does body image, self respect and realizing your worth. i struggle with them all. it is quite evident that if you let them, your children will manifest all of your negative qualities. i hope to not let Piper do that. but i hate to think that's exactly what will happen.
i can see, i've lost so much of myself in the past 5 years, especially the past 2 when my sole focus has been Piper. i could easily say, i've never felt myself, i'm not sure i know who i am. all i see is a weak, insecure fat girl who can't define herself. i'm a good hearted caring person. i'm not sure i can say i'm loyal, i was never taught loyalty, i've never witnessed a loving relationship between a man and a woman. i firmly believe my parents stayed together simply because they didn't want to go thru the hassle of a divorce. and i often wonder what my mother thinks now that my dad has passed away. as i've said before, i didn't grow up in a loving, nurturing household. i want so badly to break the cycle but am sometimes unsure of that because i haven't know any different and am not sure of the changes i need to make.
relationships have always been a struggle for me. i've done some fucked up things to my friends and i've cheated on nearly every single boyfriend i've ever had. the cheating comes from the curiosity of the unknown. i never wanted to pass up the opportunity to get to know someone on the chance that they might be "the one". and of course the male species doesn't make that decision any easier. why do guys always think that if a girl is talking to them that means she's just dying to drop her panties for him? there's so much more to life than sex. as a pisces, the physical relations is minor to the emotional compatibility. feeling loved warms my heart, sex just makes the body feel as good as the brain.
i can be incredibly selfless and incredibly selfish. and for some reason, i'm always worried about things being fair. i have no idea where that came from. i get so upset by people acting like assholes and getting ahead. it's true when they say nice guys finish last. the real test is not letting the guy who finished first get to you. pisces aren't about the competition. its about how competing makes you feel. and competition is not really the right word. i loathe competing. that's why i never excelled at sports. i loved to play, and that was it. i'm not a competitor, i just want to enjoy myself.
i've never really excelled at much of anything. i've always been mediocre at everything. which i see as an advantage of sorts. i like being able to do lots of different things. i'd rather be this way then be an uber-competitor, excel at one thing and suck at the rest.
so that's my mediocre life - it is what it is and only I can change it. i realize that and i'm full of excuses why i haven't tried to change anything. now that Piper is starting to really have a personality, it's time to "man up" and start making changes.
