i've felt very, very alone lately. well, i guess i would say i'm lonely more often than not.
I have Phil, and i love Phil. But for me, just a significant other is not enough. especially because he is male. i need girl friends. not many, just a few. i need good girl friends. girls that know me, and what i've been through. girls that know how i think and what i feel. i can't name 1 single person that knows me that well. there have been a few girls in my life over my last 30 years that have known me that well. unfortunately, those few people have always had their own interests in mind. they were ultimately, selfish people that took advantage of the type of person i am. i've really only had 2 girl friends who i felt really cared and treasured our friendship as much as i have. but over time, those friends have become distant. by distance, and relation. And, just as i was reestablishing one of those friendships, distance is tearing us back apart.
i have this horrible feeling that nobody knows me. there isn't a single female i am close with, that i can talk to about anything. no one that knows me very well at all. through facebook, i have been able to reconnect with a few people. Some of them i'd like to establish a closer friendship with. but i wonder sometimes, no one has really reached out to me. i knows there's plenty of people that would offer an ear or a shoulder. but they can only relate if they've been through similar. i could find a complete stranger that's been through the same shit as me. don't get me wrong, i am totally grateful for the girls that i do keep in touch with. i am glad they listen. i am glad we hang out. i am glad to have playdates with other moms to be able to relate to them as moms. and i know, not having good friends is me as well. i don't keep calling them. i don't make plans.
i sound like such a loser but i want girl friends damnit! i need someone to share things with, to have a girls night with. i don't want to grasp for straws of similarity. i need a friend who needs me as much as i need them.
i wasted so much of my time between 13 and 23 on stupid men who mean nothing to me now. men i haven't seen or spoken to. men i don't want to see or speak to. i'm totally a guys girl but a male could never ever relate to me like a female could.
shit, maybe i just need a fucking shrink!
