elevator girl

Fair warning though...if we ever get in an elevator alone, all bets are off.

Stephen King
Buddhism
Environment
33

Ah, release

I saw this one once before and I effing LOVE it!!! It couldn't be more true. I hate all those yuppie effers who look down their nose at you and then go home to do some blow and cheat on their spouses. You're not better because you hide it mf'er! Deep breath, ok, rant over, thank you, good day sir.

mediocre

My life is nothing but medicority. everything about it is mediocre. I can't remember ever really excelling at anything, except of course my OCD. I use the term OCD lightly as most do, beause it is not a diagnoses just the term I use to express that crazy obsessive beshavior I have. It's not about having to do things a cretain number of times or a certain way everytime. It's more about me obsessivly worrying about things I cannot control. It's also my conscience. I obessivly regret certain things I've done in my life that again, i have no control over anymore. I can. not. let go. It's amazing the things I remember, especially considering how much I forget.
But that's not what this is about. Everybody is good at something. Everyone does at least once thing really well, they excel at it. Me, nothing. I'm good at this and that and maybe even able to accomplish things most females wouldn't go near. I'm a Jill of all trades in a sense...but having nothing to do with actual trades. To put in a glass half full type of way, you could say, i'm well rounded... which is also evident by my protruding belly that I have gained and not lost since Piper was born.
I'm looking forward to some big changes over the next few months. We are moving to our own place, FINALLY! We're loking at a place along the river where we can get regular exercise. I, I mean Phil and I can decorate how we please, discipline wothout being judged, and set rules and boundaries for our child that cannot be broken by climbing a half dozen steps to the grandparents. Once I get my Pharmacy certification next month I can hopefully get in at a hospital. Although, that is looking like the hospital might take a while. Maybe I'll get lucky and my connection will at least get me into retail Pharmacy.
SO that's it. I hadn't written in a while and needed to get some things out.

people, places and dreams

Funny enough, when I force myself to blog, i can't come up with much to say. Things have been fairly smooth lately. I still despise living with my in-laws. But it think it's more that i despise living in someone elses home and having to do things their way. I want my house, my rules, my family. I know that encapsulates a whole different set of issues while alleviating others at the same time. But in our own place, its a partnership, working together to be a family. Albeit, with a roommate but i think it will be more bearable than it was here. And beautifully enough, I found a sweet place on the cheap that we could easily afford with a roommate. It's too bad we don't have any cash saved for move in yet. Hopefully things will fall into place and we may know of someone to help us raise the cash till we get our tax return in February. It's right where we wanna be and upon completion of my Pharmacy training, right where we both work as well. It nearly everything we wanted, well almost. It's not a single home but the setup is perfect for a roommate. Keeping my fingers crossed. Even if this deal doesn't work out, there's still hope for the spring.
I've been missing my loved ones that have passed lately. Especially my Dad and Mikey. Mike was the only true friend I had in Virginia. He cared about me, he looked out for me. All in all he was a great guy. If I hadn't been with Phil, I've been with him. He really was a good friend to me. He was an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on and I did both. I am so grateful for our brief conversation the night he died, Super Bowl Sunday 2009. Sometime late that night or very early the following morning he had a massive heart attack and died. Luckily he was at his Mom's with her and his brother. He was only 36 years old. Deaths like that are the reason I don't believe in God. There was no sensible or spiritual reason for him to die, I know that for sure, 100%. Mike wasn't a very healthy guy. He lived life in full force, had a bad diet, smoked more than a pack of cigarettes a day, and had a stomach like a rock. You know, not that rock hard abs stomach but that I haven't cared for my physical well being and love bad food so I've got chicken legs and a 42 inch (probably more) gut.
Virginia was an interesting experience for me but not very enjoyable. We struggled the whole time we were down there and it made me realize just how spoiled I was to grow up in a middle class New Englandish type of life. I did not like the ghetto-like environment down there. It was upper class living amongst impoverished, drug dealing, ignorant assholes. And alot of us were stuck somewhere in the middle.
All my life, I fantasized about moving here or there, and how much I was so sure I would love it anywhere I went, as long as it wasn't here. In high school, it was picking a college that would get me out of town. Had my circumstances been different when I did go away to school, I'd probably still be living in the country just outside of Erie, PA. Silly me thought I had found my husband just before graduating, got engaged but went away to school anyway. 3 short months later, I missed my fiance, disregarded every piece of advice I had gotten, quit school and moved back home.
We often wonder where we'd be if we had made different decisions "back then". But I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be right here, right now and I don't know that I'm to keen on that. Phil and I have dreams and aspirations. We also have plans to make those a reality. They are certainly feasible and are taking steps to make them happen.
It could be worse, but I see that light at the end of this tunnel. The light that leads to another split in the tracks, and so far, we know which way we're going. I'm optimistic, cautiously so, but optimistic nonetheless.
Funny, i found something to talk about. I always do.

my blog. my best friend?

i've felt very, very alone lately. well, i guess i would say i'm lonely more often than not.
I have Phil, and i love Phil. But for me, just a significant other is not enough. especially because he is male. i need girl friends. not many, just a few. i need good girl friends. girls that know me, and what i've been through. girls that know how i think and what i feel. i can't name 1 single person that knows me that well. there have been a few girls in my life over my last 30 years that have known me that well. unfortunately, those few people have always had their own interests in mind. they were ultimately, selfish people that took advantage of the type of person i am. i've really only had 2 girl friends who i felt really cared and treasured our friendship as much as i have. but over time, those friends have become distant. by distance, and relation. And, just as i was reestablishing one of those friendships, distance is tearing us back apart.
i have this horrible feeling that nobody knows me. there isn't a single female i am close with, that i can talk to about anything. no one that knows me very well at all. through facebook, i have been able to reconnect with a few people. Some of them i'd like to establish a closer friendship with. but i wonder sometimes, no one has really reached out to me. i knows there's plenty of people that would offer an ear or a shoulder. but they can only relate if they've been through similar. i could find a complete stranger that's been through the same shit as me. don't get me wrong, i am totally grateful for the girls that i do keep in touch with. i am glad they listen. i am glad we hang out. i am glad to have playdates with other moms to be able to relate to them as moms. and i know, not having good friends is me as well. i don't keep calling them. i don't make plans.
i sound like such a loser but i want girl friends damnit! i need someone to share things with, to have a girls night with. i don't want to grasp for straws of similarity. i need a friend who needs me as much as i need them.
i wasted so much of my time between 13 and 23 on stupid men who mean nothing to me now. men i haven't seen or spoken to. men i don't want to see or speak to. i'm totally a guys girl but a male could never ever relate to me like a female could.
shit, maybe i just need a fucking shrink!

is "this" really "it"?

I've noticed there are alot of types of marraiges that exist that work and the ones that don't work are all fairly similar. usually people just can't get along. not all successful couples are the "totally in love" type. to me, most successful relationships work because the people are willing to put the work into it.
sometimes i wonder, is there really a love match for everyone? or maybe, there was and one of those people made a decision that altered their course to love. i think about the things i've been through and how that differs from my original plan. it's pretty much completely different.
i don't know where mine is headed. but it's definitely not working where it is now. as it is, we get an hour a day together. so finally, when we get some time together it always seems to turn into a arguement. usually about stupid shit. we even argue about how we argue. alot of it is defensive. some of it is blaming and 99% of the time, nothing ever gets resolved. that's the worst part. we say, you always do this, or you always do that. yet we both argue the same way.
it seems like anger are our only emotions towards eachother. sometimes it's the little things, other times it's much more important. either way, no resolution. to play the blame game for a second, the arguments usually happen when he's in a bad mood. he always takes it out on me. and when i tell him he is wrong for doing that, i get "well, you know i'm in a bad mood so why are you trying to talk to me about stuff". but there's hardly ever a good time.
we rarely say i love you to eachother but he's not that type of guy. however, somehow i'm supposed to know that he loves me and that everything is ok. but i'm the type that needs to hear it.
i know, we both need counseling. individually and as a couple. i'm not sure he'll admit he needs it too. we just need better communication skills.

fish on the fence

i'm a Pisces but I am realizing recently, how your environment ultimately makes you who you are. this is me: Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter.
I am sympathetic, almost to the point that i am an empath as well. often, i find my mood altered by the moods of those around me.
as a Pisces I am incredibly trusting, which manifest as being gullible. But i . I think that also has to do with how i was raised. I wasn't taught to watch out for the bad guys, for the people who prey on people like me, to take advantage of me. I can name a few people I though were very good friends only to have to push them out of my life for taking advantage of me.
I am also supposed to be incredibly talented in the arts. well, i like to think i have rhythm, and i love music but it doesn't go much further than that. i can play the piano but never really applied myself enough to be able to learn a piece of music on my own. as for writing, i swore i was a poet in high school. i still have my book of poems. every couple years, i go back and read them as swear i'm just gonna throw it out, save a poem or two, the rest are shit. i was a stupid, boy crazy teenage girl who convinced herself she was depressed. i realize now, i may have been a little blue here and there but not depressed.
and i think about how i was raised. my mother struggled with her weight nearly her whole life, as do i. and as weight struggles go, so does body image, self respect and realizing your worth. i struggle with them all. it is quite evident that if you let them, your children will manifest all of your negative qualities. i hope to not let Piper do that. but i hate to think that's exactly what will happen.
i can see, i've lost so much of myself in the past 5 years, especially the past 2 when my sole focus has been Piper. i could easily say, i've never felt myself, i'm not sure i know who i am. all i see is a weak, insecure fat girl who can't define herself. i'm a good hearted caring person. i'm not sure i can say i'm loyal, i was never taught loyalty, i've never witnessed a loving relationship between a man and a woman. i firmly believe my parents stayed together simply because they didn't want to go thru the hassle of a divorce. and i often wonder what my mother thinks now that my dad has passed away. as i've said before, i didn't grow up in a loving, nurturing household. i want so badly to break the cycle but am sometimes unsure of that because i haven't know any different and am not sure of the changes i need to make.
relationships have always been a struggle for me. i've done some fucked up things to my friends and i've cheated on nearly every single boyfriend i've ever had. the cheating comes from the curiosity of the unknown. i never wanted to pass up the opportunity to get to know someone on the chance that they might be "the one". and of course the male species doesn't make that decision any easier. why do guys always think that if a girl is talking to them that means she's just dying to drop her panties for him? there's so much more to life than sex. as a pisces, the physical relations is minor to the emotional compatibility. feeling loved warms my heart, sex just makes the body feel as good as the brain.
i can be incredibly selfless and incredibly selfish. and for some reason, i'm always worried about things being fair. i have no idea where that came from. i get so upset by people acting like assholes and getting ahead. it's true when they say nice guys finish last. the real test is not letting the guy who finished first get to you. pisces aren't about the competition. its about how competing makes you feel. and competition is not really the right word. i loathe competing. that's why i never excelled at sports. i loved to play, and that was it. i'm not a competitor, i just want to enjoy myself.
i've never really excelled at much of anything. i've always been mediocre at everything. which i see as an advantage of sorts. i like being able to do lots of different things. i'd rather be this way then be an uber-competitor, excel at one thing and suck at the rest.
so that's my mediocre life - it is what it is and only I can change it. i realize that and i'm full of excuses why i haven't tried to change anything. now that Piper is starting to really have a personality, it's time to "man up" and start making changes.