people, places and dreams

Funny enough, when I force myself to blog, i can't come up with much to say. Things have been fairly smooth lately. I still despise living with my in-laws. But it think it's more that i despise living in someone elses home and having to do things their way. I want my house, my rules, my family. I know that encapsulates a whole different set of issues while alleviating others at the same time. But in our own place, its a partnership, working together to be a family. Albeit, with a roommate but i think it will be more bearable than it was here. And beautifully enough, I found a sweet place on the cheap that we could easily afford with a roommate. It's too bad we don't have any cash saved for move in yet. Hopefully things will fall into place and we may know of someone to help us raise the cash till we get our tax return in February. It's right where we wanna be and upon completion of my Pharmacy training, right where we both work as well. It nearly everything we wanted, well almost. It's not a single home but the setup is perfect for a roommate. Keeping my fingers crossed. Even if this deal doesn't work out, there's still hope for the spring.
I've been missing my loved ones that have passed lately. Especially my Dad and Mikey. Mike was the only true friend I had in Virginia. He cared about me, he looked out for me. All in all he was a great guy. If I hadn't been with Phil, I've been with him. He really was a good friend to me. He was an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on and I did both. I am so grateful for our brief conversation the night he died, Super Bowl Sunday 2009. Sometime late that night or very early the following morning he had a massive heart attack and died. Luckily he was at his Mom's with her and his brother. He was only 36 years old. Deaths like that are the reason I don't believe in God. There was no sensible or spiritual reason for him to die, I know that for sure, 100%. Mike wasn't a very healthy guy. He lived life in full force, had a bad diet, smoked more than a pack of cigarettes a day, and had a stomach like a rock. You know, not that rock hard abs stomach but that I haven't cared for my physical well being and love bad food so I've got chicken legs and a 42 inch (probably more) gut.
Virginia was an interesting experience for me but not very enjoyable. We struggled the whole time we were down there and it made me realize just how spoiled I was to grow up in a middle class New Englandish type of life. I did not like the ghetto-like environment down there. It was upper class living amongst impoverished, drug dealing, ignorant assholes. And alot of us were stuck somewhere in the middle.
All my life, I fantasized about moving here or there, and how much I was so sure I would love it anywhere I went, as long as it wasn't here. In high school, it was picking a college that would get me out of town. Had my circumstances been different when I did go away to school, I'd probably still be living in the country just outside of Erie, PA. Silly me thought I had found my husband just before graduating, got engaged but went away to school anyway. 3 short months later, I missed my fiance, disregarded every piece of advice I had gotten, quit school and moved back home.
We often wonder where we'd be if we had made different decisions "back then". But I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be right here, right now and I don't know that I'm to keen on that. Phil and I have dreams and aspirations. We also have plans to make those a reality. They are certainly feasible and are taking steps to make them happen.
It could be worse, but I see that light at the end of this tunnel. The light that leads to another split in the tracks, and so far, we know which way we're going. I'm optimistic, cautiously so, but optimistic nonetheless.
Funny, i found something to talk about. I always do.

my blog. my best friend?

i've felt very, very alone lately. well, i guess i would say i'm lonely more often than not.
I have Phil, and i love Phil. But for me, just a significant other is not enough. especially because he is male. i need girl friends. not many, just a few. i need good girl friends. girls that know me, and what i've been through. girls that know how i think and what i feel. i can't name 1 single person that knows me that well. there have been a few girls in my life over my last 30 years that have known me that well. unfortunately, those few people have always had their own interests in mind. they were ultimately, selfish people that took advantage of the type of person i am. i've really only had 2 girl friends who i felt really cared and treasured our friendship as much as i have. but over time, those friends have become distant. by distance, and relation. And, just as i was reestablishing one of those friendships, distance is tearing us back apart.
i have this horrible feeling that nobody knows me. there isn't a single female i am close with, that i can talk to about anything. no one that knows me very well at all. through facebook, i have been able to reconnect with a few people. Some of them i'd like to establish a closer friendship with. but i wonder sometimes, no one has really reached out to me. i knows there's plenty of people that would offer an ear or a shoulder. but they can only relate if they've been through similar. i could find a complete stranger that's been through the same shit as me. don't get me wrong, i am totally grateful for the girls that i do keep in touch with. i am glad they listen. i am glad we hang out. i am glad to have playdates with other moms to be able to relate to them as moms. and i know, not having good friends is me as well. i don't keep calling them. i don't make plans.
i sound like such a loser but i want girl friends damnit! i need someone to share things with, to have a girls night with. i don't want to grasp for straws of similarity. i need a friend who needs me as much as i need them.
i wasted so much of my time between 13 and 23 on stupid men who mean nothing to me now. men i haven't seen or spoken to. men i don't want to see or speak to. i'm totally a guys girl but a male could never ever relate to me like a female could.
shit, maybe i just need a fucking shrink!

is "this" really "it"?

I've noticed there are alot of types of marraiges that exist that work and the ones that don't work are all fairly similar. usually people just can't get along. not all successful couples are the "totally in love" type. to me, most successful relationships work because the people are willing to put the work into it.
sometimes i wonder, is there really a love match for everyone? or maybe, there was and one of those people made a decision that altered their course to love. i think about the things i've been through and how that differs from my original plan. it's pretty much completely different.
i don't know where mine is headed. but it's definitely not working where it is now. as it is, we get an hour a day together. so finally, when we get some time together it always seems to turn into a arguement. usually about stupid shit. we even argue about how we argue. alot of it is defensive. some of it is blaming and 99% of the time, nothing ever gets resolved. that's the worst part. we say, you always do this, or you always do that. yet we both argue the same way.
it seems like anger are our only emotions towards eachother. sometimes it's the little things, other times it's much more important. either way, no resolution. to play the blame game for a second, the arguments usually happen when he's in a bad mood. he always takes it out on me. and when i tell him he is wrong for doing that, i get "well, you know i'm in a bad mood so why are you trying to talk to me about stuff". but there's hardly ever a good time.
we rarely say i love you to eachother but he's not that type of guy. however, somehow i'm supposed to know that he loves me and that everything is ok. but i'm the type that needs to hear it.
i know, we both need counseling. individually and as a couple. i'm not sure he'll admit he needs it too. we just need better communication skills.

fish on the fence

i'm a Pisces but I am realizing recently, how your environment ultimately makes you who you are. this is me: Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter.
I am sympathetic, almost to the point that i am an empath as well. often, i find my mood altered by the moods of those around me.
as a Pisces I am incredibly trusting, which manifest as being gullible. But i . I think that also has to do with how i was raised. I wasn't taught to watch out for the bad guys, for the people who prey on people like me, to take advantage of me. I can name a few people I though were very good friends only to have to push them out of my life for taking advantage of me.
I am also supposed to be incredibly talented in the arts. well, i like to think i have rhythm, and i love music but it doesn't go much further than that. i can play the piano but never really applied myself enough to be able to learn a piece of music on my own. as for writing, i swore i was a poet in high school. i still have my book of poems. every couple years, i go back and read them as swear i'm just gonna throw it out, save a poem or two, the rest are shit. i was a stupid, boy crazy teenage girl who convinced herself she was depressed. i realize now, i may have been a little blue here and there but not depressed.
and i think about how i was raised. my mother struggled with her weight nearly her whole life, as do i. and as weight struggles go, so does body image, self respect and realizing your worth. i struggle with them all. it is quite evident that if you let them, your children will manifest all of your negative qualities. i hope to not let Piper do that. but i hate to think that's exactly what will happen.
i can see, i've lost so much of myself in the past 5 years, especially the past 2 when my sole focus has been Piper. i could easily say, i've never felt myself, i'm not sure i know who i am. all i see is a weak, insecure fat girl who can't define herself. i'm a good hearted caring person. i'm not sure i can say i'm loyal, i was never taught loyalty, i've never witnessed a loving relationship between a man and a woman. i firmly believe my parents stayed together simply because they didn't want to go thru the hassle of a divorce. and i often wonder what my mother thinks now that my dad has passed away. as i've said before, i didn't grow up in a loving, nurturing household. i want so badly to break the cycle but am sometimes unsure of that because i haven't know any different and am not sure of the changes i need to make.
relationships have always been a struggle for me. i've done some fucked up things to my friends and i've cheated on nearly every single boyfriend i've ever had. the cheating comes from the curiosity of the unknown. i never wanted to pass up the opportunity to get to know someone on the chance that they might be "the one". and of course the male species doesn't make that decision any easier. why do guys always think that if a girl is talking to them that means she's just dying to drop her panties for him? there's so much more to life than sex. as a pisces, the physical relations is minor to the emotional compatibility. feeling loved warms my heart, sex just makes the body feel as good as the brain.
i can be incredibly selfless and incredibly selfish. and for some reason, i'm always worried about things being fair. i have no idea where that came from. i get so upset by people acting like assholes and getting ahead. it's true when they say nice guys finish last. the real test is not letting the guy who finished first get to you. pisces aren't about the competition. its about how competing makes you feel. and competition is not really the right word. i loathe competing. that's why i never excelled at sports. i loved to play, and that was it. i'm not a competitor, i just want to enjoy myself.
i've never really excelled at much of anything. i've always been mediocre at everything. which i see as an advantage of sorts. i like being able to do lots of different things. i'd rather be this way then be an uber-competitor, excel at one thing and suck at the rest.
so that's my mediocre life - it is what it is and only I can change it. i realize that and i'm full of excuses why i haven't tried to change anything. now that Piper is starting to really have a personality, it's time to "man up" and start making changes.

family dynamics

My sense of family has changed so much in the last 3 years, ever since my Dad died. I've have come to realize even more, how much of a family, my family is not. All my life, both sides of my family differed greatly.

As for my dad's family, we saw them on holidays, for the Manayunk bike race and when any of us kids made a sacrament or graduation. That was it. But of all the memories i have with my extended family from both sides, the memories w/ my dad's family are the most vivid to me. I can't tell you about so many different visits with them in detail.

When it comes to my mom's family, first of all, it was much larger. My mom is the oldest of 5 children where as with my Dad, He only had 1 sibling, my aunt. With my mom's family, we got together for everything. At least once a month to celebrate those birthdays' whose occurred that month. In addition, if one of those people was a child, they had their own separate party. We saw each other every religious holiday as well as a few others. We did family trips to Strasburg Railroad every year as well as a few others. But all in all, i don't have very specific memories about those times together. Things in that family have not changed much in 32 years except that not everyone comes to all the functions, especially non-blood relatives. if it were me, I'd probably not want to either. Oh, and I've realized everything is a firckin' secret, gah. These get togehters have also come increasingly difficult for me ever since I've made my separation from Catholicism as well as my support for the Republican party.

But honestly, it doesn't bother me that my beliefs are drastically different now. What bothers me is the nonacceptance of my choices. They still try to impose their beliefs on me and i definitely don't feel like they see me as a person who has made an educated decision about my personal beliefs. Oh, and if my child dies for some reason, no heaven for her, just limbo...pfft! ok grandmom, whatev's. And then you'll hear me say, I might just get her baptized to appease them. How screwed up is that?

The weirdest thing of all to me is the relationship between my mother and my dad's mom and sister. Since my dad died in July of '08, i think my Mom has seen then a half a dozen times at most. It was like once my dad died, there was nothing keeping them as family. Yes, they're not blood relatives but I didn't fathom it was so bad that once my dad dies she was done with them. There are so many possible variable that I don't know about. Maybe they never got along, maybe they never liked each other, or maybe my Mom decided that she wasn't going to out up with my Aunt Roe anymore. My Dad and his sister were two peas in a pod. They were so similar, in almost every way. And they're both miserable people who complain about anything and everything. So, who knows. Though, I do know that I am not doing the bast job at keeping in touch with them wither. I feel bad about that, i really do. Especially now since I'm probably going to lose my grandmother before the year is out.

My next post will most certainly be about the relationship my siblings and i have. that'll be interesting for sure.

so many regrets...who do i ptiy myself???

when i was younger i was often asked the question, "where do you see yourself 20 years from now?" or "what do you want to be when you grow up?". My answer to those questions, in no way, reflects where i actually am in life now, 20 years later.

well, there is 1 exception, Piper. However, that exception did not come about as i had planned at 10 years old, thinking about my dream wedding, my Prince Charming and my brick colonial with the white picket fence and lab running around the yard.

Children are so naive. But I often wonder, what exactly am i going and not going to tell Piper about the real world? and at what point in her life do i reveal certain, lets say, certain realities vs. fantasies. That is what made me understand what other mothers mean when they say they don't want their children to grow up. you want them to be happy and healthy and unaffected or even unfazed by the harsh reality of, well, reality.

as much as i blame my parents for not raising me a strong, independent, goal driven female; i blame myself for being, essentially lazy. i didn't take high school as seriously as i should have. in turn, i only got accepted to 1 college of 6 i applied to. then after graduating h.s. and getting engaged, i quit college 3 months later to come home to my family. that was not ideal. i went back to my high school job and eventually found a customer service job where i got paid well for my age. yep, screwed that up, and at a horrible time. almost got dawn & i kicked out of our apartment because i took a 2.50/hr pay cut and spent most of my money on drugs anyways.
i thank my lucky stars everyday my habit didn't become more of a problem. i was just at that point where it could go either way, get worse or get better. luckily, someone kind of made that choice for me, and i got better. i came out of my stupor and got another good job.

good fortune wouldn't last long, I've spent every year after that struggling to keep my head above water. it's not going so well. i despise it. i'm sick of it. i want it to just go away. when does real life start? oh yeah, i've been doing that for a while now and i'm so sad i'm wasting my life going nowhere, with no end in sight.

i feel like, no matter what i do, how hard i try or how good of a job i can get off my menial pharmacy training, i am destined to "just getting by" for the rest of my life.
and of course, here i am again, trying to deflect, place blame on everyone but myself.

i've found that the truth is, if you want to live the life you planned as a child, your only option is college, probably almost 10 years of it, maybe even more. and if you don't do it right after high school, there's probably a 60% or higher chance, that you'll never get where you planned to be. oh and by the way, most likely, no one is going to help you. good luck. best i can wish for is to do it right in my next life.

family....not all it's cracked up to be...

this post is going to be a big ball of blame, and none of it my own.....

ever since i turned 25, i've slowly realized how profound the way you are raised, effects how you get thru the rest of your life, and it's incredibly depressing.

i've been crying at the drop of a hat for the last few weeks now. Up until the last few days, it's always been about my Dad. I'm such an asshole for feeling the way i do about him, but then again, maybe i'm not. The most significant memory I have of my father is him being a miserable person my entire life. Sure, there were good memories, but as a whole, he was generally miserable. I hate to admit it, but in the few years before he died (death was unexpected) i would say, when he dies, there's not going to be much to miss. He rarely took the time to talk to me or get involved in anything i did, not even soccer. In fact, soccer was the only thing he paid attention to, for a little while.

i wanted so much more from him, but all i really wanted, was to know that he cared. Yes, I know he really did care but you'd never know by the way he acted.

No, i was never abused in any way. in fact my parents never did me wrong. but as i've learned, simply not doing wrong was only 25% of the job of being a good parent. there was a ton of negativity. if anything got attention in my house, it was when we did something wrong, or didn't do something well enough.

my mom wasn't quite so negative or disinterested, but when you have 1 parent already that way, the other has got to try to keep it all together. mom did everything except for cut the grass, fix the cars or fix the house. mom paid the bills, signed the permission slips, took us to practice and games. she did everything that didn't involve positive emotions. i can't even remember 1 single time "i love you" was said in my house. yes, i know it was said, but there is no memory of it.

all this has made me realize i have to be on my "A" game when it comes to everything Piper. and i mean EVERYTHING. i tell her everyday, at least once, that i love her. shes too young to say it back, but that doesn't matter, i want her to know that she is loved. i try to give her as much attention as possible. and often, i run through so many different things i have to remember to do for her, that i never had. i want to do everything in my power for Piper to not be here, like me 32 years later, bawling over how i wish things would have been better/different growing up.

She will be 2 tomorrow and the innocence of her is so overwhelming it makes me cry. i do realize that there are going to be plenty of times from now on that i will have to trust that how i raised her will shape her into a person that makes the right decisions, most of the time. and the times she doesn't make the right decision, i hope it's not that bad of a mistake.

Liberal Fix: VIDEO: George Carlin on why Education Will Never ...

Liberal Fix: VIDEO: George Carlin on why Education Will Never ...: "This George Carlin video discusses the problems with education and why he believes it will never change. The problem as he suggests is the..."

making new dreams

screw it all. reality is so far from what is was when I was a child, back when the "american dream" still existed. i've screwed my life up and the government has changed this country in a way that will not allow me to redeem myself. at least not for years. at this point in life, my parents were married with 3 kids and owned their own home.


it was the perfect place, i loved that house. part of me wonders if most of those fond memories are just the psychological manifestations of childhood. childhood wasn't the best but it certainly wasn't bad. prosperity was rampant and now it is unattainable to anyone making less than $40k/yr.


where have i picked up this perception that if i cannot achieve the "american dream" that i am a complete failure? it almost makes me wonder when my adult life is really going to start. a part of me still feels like a child. i love to wear hooded sweatshirts, with the hood up. yeah, i'm 32 and i don't give a fuck if you think that has some ulterior meaning...but then again, i do give a fuck or i wouldn't be venting about it right now. anyways, how i dress and a post all in it's own, so later then.


and speaking of how things are supposed to be - why do i notice such a large part of the male population that thinks they took care of us women for so long, now that we have rights, we also have to wear the pants and run a household on top of holding down the breadwinning salary job? I'm sick of begin the responsible one. i wanna be the lazy one for a while, you go work your ass off.


so, i'm trying so very hard to let go of the conditioned dreams of success. i'm making my own goddamm dreams. shit i might as well, that is so me. i'm not like all the other girls. i'm fucking tough, and when shit needs to get done, it get the shit done.


from now on, i believe my dreams are reasonable and attainable, and i'm not going to get distracted by bullshit. so, lots of people my age have made it...and lots of people are exactly where i am right now, sitting on the couch, blogging about how unfair life is. suck it up, brush the dirt off and shine on you crazy diamond!