family....not all it's cracked up to be...

this post is going to be a big ball of blame, and none of it my own.....

ever since i turned 25, i've slowly realized how profound the way you are raised, effects how you get thru the rest of your life, and it's incredibly depressing.

i've been crying at the drop of a hat for the last few weeks now. Up until the last few days, it's always been about my Dad. I'm such an asshole for feeling the way i do about him, but then again, maybe i'm not. The most significant memory I have of my father is him being a miserable person my entire life. Sure, there were good memories, but as a whole, he was generally miserable. I hate to admit it, but in the few years before he died (death was unexpected) i would say, when he dies, there's not going to be much to miss. He rarely took the time to talk to me or get involved in anything i did, not even soccer. In fact, soccer was the only thing he paid attention to, for a little while.

i wanted so much more from him, but all i really wanted, was to know that he cared. Yes, I know he really did care but you'd never know by the way he acted.

No, i was never abused in any way. in fact my parents never did me wrong. but as i've learned, simply not doing wrong was only 25% of the job of being a good parent. there was a ton of negativity. if anything got attention in my house, it was when we did something wrong, or didn't do something well enough.

my mom wasn't quite so negative or disinterested, but when you have 1 parent already that way, the other has got to try to keep it all together. mom did everything except for cut the grass, fix the cars or fix the house. mom paid the bills, signed the permission slips, took us to practice and games. she did everything that didn't involve positive emotions. i can't even remember 1 single time "i love you" was said in my house. yes, i know it was said, but there is no memory of it.

all this has made me realize i have to be on my "A" game when it comes to everything Piper. and i mean EVERYTHING. i tell her everyday, at least once, that i love her. shes too young to say it back, but that doesn't matter, i want her to know that she is loved. i try to give her as much attention as possible. and often, i run through so many different things i have to remember to do for her, that i never had. i want to do everything in my power for Piper to not be here, like me 32 years later, bawling over how i wish things would have been better/different growing up.

She will be 2 tomorrow and the innocence of her is so overwhelming it makes me cry. i do realize that there are going to be plenty of times from now on that i will have to trust that how i raised her will shape her into a person that makes the right decisions, most of the time. and the times she doesn't make the right decision, i hope it's not that bad of a mistake.