when i was younger i was often asked the question, "where do you see yourself 20 years from now?" or "what do you want to be when you grow up?". My answer to those questions, in no way, reflects where i actually am in life now, 20 years later.
well, there is 1 exception, Piper. However, that exception did not come about as i had planned at 10 years old, thinking about my dream wedding, my Prince Charming and my brick colonial with the white picket fence and lab running around the yard.
Children are so naive. But I often wonder, what exactly am i going and not going to tell Piper about the real world? and at what point in her life do i reveal certain, lets say, certain realities vs. fantasies. That is what made me understand what other mothers mean when they say they don't want their children to grow up. you want them to be happy and healthy and unaffected or even unfazed by the harsh reality of, well, reality.
as much as i blame my parents for not raising me a strong, independent, goal driven female; i blame myself for being, essentially lazy. i didn't take high school as seriously as i should have. in turn, i only got accepted to 1 college of 6 i applied to. then after graduating h.s. and getting engaged, i quit college 3 months later to come home to my family. that was not ideal. i went back to my high school job and eventually found a customer service job where i got paid well for my age. yep, screwed that up, and at a horrible time. almost got dawn & i kicked out of our apartment because i took a 2.50/hr pay cut and spent most of my money on drugs anyways.
i thank my lucky stars everyday my habit didn't become more of a problem. i was just at that point where it could go either way, get worse or get better. luckily, someone kind of made that choice for me, and i got better. i came out of my stupor and got another good job.
good fortune wouldn't last long, I've spent every year after that struggling to keep my head above water. it's not going so well. i despise it. i'm sick of it. i want it to just go away. when does real life start? oh yeah, i've been doing that for a while now and i'm so sad i'm wasting my life going nowhere, with no end in sight.
i feel like, no matter what i do, how hard i try or how good of a job i can get off my menial pharmacy training, i am destined to "just getting by" for the rest of my life.
and of course, here i am again, trying to deflect, place blame on everyone but myself.
i've found that the truth is, if you want to live the life you planned as a child, your only option is college, probably almost 10 years of it, maybe even more. and if you don't do it right after high school, there's probably a 60% or higher chance, that you'll never get where you planned to be. oh and by the way, most likely, no one is going to help you. good luck. best i can wish for is to do it right in my next life.
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