My sense of family has changed so much in the last 3 years, ever since my Dad died. I've have come to realize even more, how much of a family, my family is not. All my life, both sides of my family differed greatly.
As for my dad's family, we saw them on holidays, for the Manayunk bike race and when any of us kids made a sacrament or graduation. That was it. But of all the memories i have with my extended family from both sides, the memories w/ my dad's family are the most vivid to me. I can't tell you about so many different visits with them in detail.
When it comes to my mom's family, first of all, it was much larger. My mom is the oldest of 5 children where as with my Dad, He only had 1 sibling, my aunt. With my mom's family, we got together for everything. At least once a month to celebrate those birthdays' whose occurred that month. In addition, if one of those people was a child, they had their own separate party. We saw each other every religious holiday as well as a few others. We did family trips to Strasburg Railroad every year as well as a few others. But all in all, i don't have very specific memories about those times together. Things in that family have not changed much in 32 years except that not everyone comes to all the functions, especially non-blood relatives. if it were me, I'd probably not want to either. Oh, and I've realized everything is a firckin' secret, gah. These get togehters have also come increasingly difficult for me ever since I've made my separation from Catholicism as well as my support for the Republican party.
But honestly, it doesn't bother me that my beliefs are drastically different now. What bothers me is the nonacceptance of my choices. They still try to impose their beliefs on me and i definitely don't feel like they see me as a person who has made an educated decision about my personal beliefs. Oh, and if my child dies for some reason, no heaven for her, just limbo...pfft! ok grandmom, whatev's. And then you'll hear me say, I might just get her baptized to appease them. How screwed up is that?
The weirdest thing of all to me is the relationship between my mother and my dad's mom and sister. Since my dad died in July of '08, i think my Mom has seen then a half a dozen times at most. It was like once my dad died, there was nothing keeping them as family. Yes, they're not blood relatives but I didn't fathom it was so bad that once my dad dies she was done with them. There are so many possible variable that I don't know about. Maybe they never got along, maybe they never liked each other, or maybe my Mom decided that she wasn't going to out up with my Aunt Roe anymore. My Dad and his sister were two peas in a pod. They were so similar, in almost every way. And they're both miserable people who complain about anything and everything. So, who knows. Though, I do know that I am not doing the bast job at keeping in touch with them wither. I feel bad about that, i really do. Especially now since I'm probably going to lose my grandmother before the year is out.
My next post will most certainly be about the relationship my siblings and i have. that'll be interesting for sure.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
so many regrets...who do i ptiy myself???
when i was younger i was often asked the question, "where do you see yourself 20 years from now?" or "what do you want to be when you grow up?". My answer to those questions, in no way, reflects where i actually am in life now, 20 years later.
well, there is 1 exception, Piper. However, that exception did not come about as i had planned at 10 years old, thinking about my dream wedding, my Prince Charming and my brick colonial with the white picket fence and lab running around the yard.
Children are so naive. But I often wonder, what exactly am i going and not going to tell Piper about the real world? and at what point in her life do i reveal certain, lets say, certain realities vs. fantasies. That is what made me understand what other mothers mean when they say they don't want their children to grow up. you want them to be happy and healthy and unaffected or even unfazed by the harsh reality of, well, reality.
as much as i blame my parents for not raising me a strong, independent, goal driven female; i blame myself for being, essentially lazy. i didn't take high school as seriously as i should have. in turn, i only got accepted to 1 college of 6 i applied to. then after graduating h.s. and getting engaged, i quit college 3 months later to come home to my family. that was not ideal. i went back to my high school job and eventually found a customer service job where i got paid well for my age. yep, screwed that up, and at a horrible time. almost got dawn & i kicked out of our apartment because i took a 2.50/hr pay cut and spent most of my money on drugs anyways.
i thank my lucky stars everyday my habit didn't become more of a problem. i was just at that point where it could go either way, get worse or get better. luckily, someone kind of made that choice for me, and i got better. i came out of my stupor and got another good job.
good fortune wouldn't last long, I've spent every year after that struggling to keep my head above water. it's not going so well. i despise it. i'm sick of it. i want it to just go away. when does real life start? oh yeah, i've been doing that for a while now and i'm so sad i'm wasting my life going nowhere, with no end in sight.
i feel like, no matter what i do, how hard i try or how good of a job i can get off my menial pharmacy training, i am destined to "just getting by" for the rest of my life.
and of course, here i am again, trying to deflect, place blame on everyone but myself.
i've found that the truth is, if you want to live the life you planned as a child, your only option is college, probably almost 10 years of it, maybe even more. and if you don't do it right after high school, there's probably a 60% or higher chance, that you'll never get where you planned to be. oh and by the way, most likely, no one is going to help you. good luck. best i can wish for is to do it right in my next life.
well, there is 1 exception, Piper. However, that exception did not come about as i had planned at 10 years old, thinking about my dream wedding, my Prince Charming and my brick colonial with the white picket fence and lab running around the yard.
Children are so naive. But I often wonder, what exactly am i going and not going to tell Piper about the real world? and at what point in her life do i reveal certain, lets say, certain realities vs. fantasies. That is what made me understand what other mothers mean when they say they don't want their children to grow up. you want them to be happy and healthy and unaffected or even unfazed by the harsh reality of, well, reality.
as much as i blame my parents for not raising me a strong, independent, goal driven female; i blame myself for being, essentially lazy. i didn't take high school as seriously as i should have. in turn, i only got accepted to 1 college of 6 i applied to. then after graduating h.s. and getting engaged, i quit college 3 months later to come home to my family. that was not ideal. i went back to my high school job and eventually found a customer service job where i got paid well for my age. yep, screwed that up, and at a horrible time. almost got dawn & i kicked out of our apartment because i took a 2.50/hr pay cut and spent most of my money on drugs anyways.
i thank my lucky stars everyday my habit didn't become more of a problem. i was just at that point where it could go either way, get worse or get better. luckily, someone kind of made that choice for me, and i got better. i came out of my stupor and got another good job.
good fortune wouldn't last long, I've spent every year after that struggling to keep my head above water. it's not going so well. i despise it. i'm sick of it. i want it to just go away. when does real life start? oh yeah, i've been doing that for a while now and i'm so sad i'm wasting my life going nowhere, with no end in sight.
i feel like, no matter what i do, how hard i try or how good of a job i can get off my menial pharmacy training, i am destined to "just getting by" for the rest of my life.
and of course, here i am again, trying to deflect, place blame on everyone but myself.
i've found that the truth is, if you want to live the life you planned as a child, your only option is college, probably almost 10 years of it, maybe even more. and if you don't do it right after high school, there's probably a 60% or higher chance, that you'll never get where you planned to be. oh and by the way, most likely, no one is going to help you. good luck. best i can wish for is to do it right in my next life.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
family....not all it's cracked up to be...
this post is going to be a big ball of blame, and none of it my own.....
ever since i turned 25, i've slowly realized how profound the way you are raised, effects how you get thru the rest of your life, and it's incredibly depressing.
i've been crying at the drop of a hat for the last few weeks now. Up until the last few days, it's always been about my Dad. I'm such an asshole for feeling the way i do about him, but then again, maybe i'm not. The most significant memory I have of my father is him being a miserable person my entire life. Sure, there were good memories, but as a whole, he was generally miserable. I hate to admit it, but in the few years before he died (death was unexpected) i would say, when he dies, there's not going to be much to miss. He rarely took the time to talk to me or get involved in anything i did, not even soccer. In fact, soccer was the only thing he paid attention to, for a little while.
i wanted so much more from him, but all i really wanted, was to know that he cared. Yes, I know he really did care but you'd never know by the way he acted.
No, i was never abused in any way. in fact my parents never did me wrong. but as i've learned, simply not doing wrong was only 25% of the job of being a good parent. there was a ton of negativity. if anything got attention in my house, it was when we did something wrong, or didn't do something well enough.
my mom wasn't quite so negative or disinterested, but when you have 1 parent already that way, the other has got to try to keep it all together. mom did everything except for cut the grass, fix the cars or fix the house. mom paid the bills, signed the permission slips, took us to practice and games. she did everything that didn't involve positive emotions. i can't even remember 1 single time "i love you" was said in my house. yes, i know it was said, but there is no memory of it.
all this has made me realize i have to be on my "A" game when it comes to everything Piper. and i mean EVERYTHING. i tell her everyday, at least once, that i love her. shes too young to say it back, but that doesn't matter, i want her to know that she is loved. i try to give her as much attention as possible. and often, i run through so many different things i have to remember to do for her, that i never had. i want to do everything in my power for Piper to not be here, like me 32 years later, bawling over how i wish things would have been better/different growing up.
She will be 2 tomorrow and the innocence of her is so overwhelming it makes me cry. i do realize that there are going to be plenty of times from now on that i will have to trust that how i raised her will shape her into a person that makes the right decisions, most of the time. and the times she doesn't make the right decision, i hope it's not that bad of a mistake.
ever since i turned 25, i've slowly realized how profound the way you are raised, effects how you get thru the rest of your life, and it's incredibly depressing.
i've been crying at the drop of a hat for the last few weeks now. Up until the last few days, it's always been about my Dad. I'm such an asshole for feeling the way i do about him, but then again, maybe i'm not. The most significant memory I have of my father is him being a miserable person my entire life. Sure, there were good memories, but as a whole, he was generally miserable. I hate to admit it, but in the few years before he died (death was unexpected) i would say, when he dies, there's not going to be much to miss. He rarely took the time to talk to me or get involved in anything i did, not even soccer. In fact, soccer was the only thing he paid attention to, for a little while.
i wanted so much more from him, but all i really wanted, was to know that he cared. Yes, I know he really did care but you'd never know by the way he acted.
No, i was never abused in any way. in fact my parents never did me wrong. but as i've learned, simply not doing wrong was only 25% of the job of being a good parent. there was a ton of negativity. if anything got attention in my house, it was when we did something wrong, or didn't do something well enough.
my mom wasn't quite so negative or disinterested, but when you have 1 parent already that way, the other has got to try to keep it all together. mom did everything except for cut the grass, fix the cars or fix the house. mom paid the bills, signed the permission slips, took us to practice and games. she did everything that didn't involve positive emotions. i can't even remember 1 single time "i love you" was said in my house. yes, i know it was said, but there is no memory of it.
all this has made me realize i have to be on my "A" game when it comes to everything Piper. and i mean EVERYTHING. i tell her everyday, at least once, that i love her. shes too young to say it back, but that doesn't matter, i want her to know that she is loved. i try to give her as much attention as possible. and often, i run through so many different things i have to remember to do for her, that i never had. i want to do everything in my power for Piper to not be here, like me 32 years later, bawling over how i wish things would have been better/different growing up.
She will be 2 tomorrow and the innocence of her is so overwhelming it makes me cry. i do realize that there are going to be plenty of times from now on that i will have to trust that how i raised her will shape her into a person that makes the right decisions, most of the time. and the times she doesn't make the right decision, i hope it's not that bad of a mistake.
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